“The Courage to be Disliked” – Ichiro Kishimi

The Liberating Philosophy: Embracing The Courage to Be Disliked

Our society seems obsessed with validation and social media approval. The very idea of deliberately being disliked sounds crazy. Yet, this is the profound and liberating challenge posed by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga in their book, The Courage to Be Disliked. Framed as an entertaining dialogue between a skeptical young man and a philosopher, the book introduces the core tenets of Alfred Adler’s Individual Psychology, offering a radical roadmap to true freedom and happiness. Philosophy and psychology are not usually things I study. However, I found Kishimi’s book a really entertaining way to under Adler’s concepts. The book’s central thesis is strikingly simple, yet revolutionary: happiness is something you choose, independent of your circumstances or past.

The Power of Teleology Over Etiology

The first, and perhaps most challenging, concept the philosopher introduces is the rejection of etiology (the study of cause and effect) in favor of teleology (the study of purpose).

Most Western psychology, heavily influenced by Freudian thought, seeks to find the cause of a person’s current unhappiness in their past traumas or experiences. Adler, by contrast, argues that our past does not determine our future. Instead, he proposes that we are not suffering from the shock of past experiences, but are using those experiences to serve a current goal or purpose. A way to convince ourselves that we cannot do anything about our current situation or change it.

For example, a person who is constantly angry isn’t “cursed” by a hot temper; they are fabricating the emotion of anger to achieve a specific goal, perhaps to make others submit or to quickly resolve a situation to their liking. They choose to be angry because it is a tool that serves their immediate purpose.

This concept is a powerful lever for change. By shifting our focus from “Why did this happen to me?” to “What is the goal I am trying to achieve by remaining this way?”, the book argues, we recognize that we are not victims of our past but active agents in our present condition. Our lifestyle—our worldview and habitual way of responding to life—is a choice, and if it’s a choice, it can be chosen anew at any moment. Change, though requiring courage, is always possible. It’s very similar Carol Dweck’s “growth mindset” concept. Change is not easy but it is possible with determination and hard work.

All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

The next major pillar of Adlerian psychology is the assertion that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Loneliness isn’t about being physically alone; it’s about feeling excluded from a community. Our desire to be acknowledged, loved, and valued drives much of our behavior, and it is here that we sacrifice our freedom.

The solution is the Separation of Tasks.

Conflict and unhappiness, the philosopher explains, often arise from meddling in other people’s tasks or allowing others to meddle in ours. A student’s task is to study; a parent’s task is to provide assistance and encouragement. If the parent, fearful of societal judgment, forces the child to study, they are intruding on the child’s task. Likewise, worrying about what others think of your life choices is intruding on their task—the task of judging you. It very much reminded me of the concepts from The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.

Freedom is the courage to be disliked.

When you choose a path that is true to yourself, you will inevitably have people who disapprove. If you live your life solely to satisfy the expectations of others, you become unfree. The opinions and judgments of others are their task, not yours. By having the courage to ignore their judgments and live in accordance with your own beliefs, you gain genuine freedom. Being disliked by some is merely the proof that you are exercising your freedom and living your own life.

The Path to Happiness: Community Feeling

Adler defines happiness as a feeling of contribution. To escape the cycle of self-interest and the need for external recognition, we must cultivate a Community Feeling (or Gemeinschaftsgefühl).

This involves three key components:

1. Self-Acceptance: This isn’t self-affirmation (“I can do anything!”), but rather accepting your current self as is—imperfections and all—and having the courage to change what you can. It’s an honest assessment of your abilities and a shift in focus from what you lack to what you can do. You can think of this like the Serenity Prayer which reads, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
2. Confidence in Others: Relationships should be horizontal, not vertical. This means treating others as equals, without praise or rebuke, which are instruments of hierarchy. Genuine, unconditional trust (confidence) in others is essential for building deep, fulfilling relationships, even if it carries the risk of betrayal.
3. Contribution to Others: When we feel that we are of use to someone else, we gain a genuine sense of self-worth that is independent of recognition. This contribution doesn’t need to be grand; it can be as simple as helping a colleague or being a good family member. The feeling of “I am beneficial to the community” is, for Adler, the sole path to happiness.

Conclusion

In essence, The Courage to Be Disliked is a profound, challenging read that calls for a major shift in our perception of life. It strips away the excuses of the past and the chains of expectation, empowering the reader to realize that the power to be happy—the power to change—is already within them, ready to be exercised in the here and now. All that is required is the courage to choose and the drive to follow through on that change.